STAY AWAY FROM THOSE CHURCH PASTRIES!
Do you want to be cucked by your wife, Christian?
I know this isn’t the kind of language you’re accustomed to reading in a church blog. But this is for your own good. Zig Ziglar said often times when people say they’re going to tell you something for your own good, it turns out to be something that’s actually bad, but this is good.
A friend who runs a local IT business has the mentality of a lot of IT people. He told me once, “It’s a good thing that I’m fat and bald, otherwise I might be unfaithful to my wife.” And while you might think he was kidding, I think he was serious at the time. I actually made what he said much shorter; the way he phrased it, it was more like “God uses my appearance,” etc.
Lots of guys in the church use this excuse. And I have to admit, this is not an original teaching, so again, there is no false teaching here. I think I actually heard something like this on the likes of Focus or RBC, an aside about how the church seems intent on poisoning our bodies at every gathering. If your church is anything like the ones I’ve been to, they get free pastries from local bakeries because, well, the bakeries have to do something with the pastry, so why not get a tax deduction?
“Calories Don’t Count at Church”
A man at the church I’ve been attending recently said that the Holy Spirit removes all the calories from church pastries. It vaguely echoed that thing I saw in a romcom, or some internet meme from my friend Sarah, not sure, “Calories don’t count when you’re with your girlfriends.” It’s … not attractive.
The Parable of Harry and Sally by George Ray
In the words of the Pastor George Ray, bless his retired soul, from a church called Trinity Evangelical in North Reading, Massachusetts which has fallen by the wayside – just like a person can fall away from the church, churches can fall away from Christ, and that’s exactly what’s happened to Trinity. I had to stop attending, it was too heart-breaking to watch. Soon, they’ll be like Trinity Church in downtown Boston, hosting lesbian weddings and such. They’re not alone, either, in the Hub of the Universe here. Heck, look at the American church as a whole. Unitarians used to be united in their belief in Christ, to my understanding. You have to understand, I grew up in a town with historical buildings which once housed the Puritans, and those very buildings are now flanked by rainbow flags encouraging Sodom and Gomorrah and provoking God’s wrath. That’s the epitome of a cuck church. What is the sin of homosexuality but a rejection of the very self God designed us to be, rooted in fear; and how foolish are these willfully fearful churches who reject Christ and in doing so are struggling for their very survival?
There were moments of truth when Trinity Evangelical began to fall away. Said George Ray, the parable of Harry and Sally (no relation to the awful movie). “Harry started watching television and letting his belly hang out of his shirt; and Sally stopped keeping herself in shape, and eventually, they got divorced.” This is the abridged version, and granted, there are cases when staying in shape is impossible because of prohibitive health concerns. That’s not the point. The point is, put some bloody effort into it. If you can, do. If you can’t… well, teach, I guess. (Sarcasm)
NOTE RE. FAANG CENSORSHIP-PROOFING THE VIDEO BELOW: Because Real Americans can’t trust communist Facebook or YouTube to reliably host anything, here’s the original video commentary from America’s Man’s Man on our new, secure host. The original Facebook/YouTube Video Link is beneath the new, secure video link outside the Silicon Valley Curtain.
https://us.tv/videos/watch/19ae09c6-3b5e-4832-8644-87dc2ac48415
George Ray has since abandoned the church in favor of retirement in sunny Florida. He’s a former divorce lawyer. I rest my case. It’s my understanding that the smorgasbord of pastries remains at Trinity Evangelical to this day, and it’s more leftist and effeminate than ever. Pastor Ray also started preaching the church equivalent of open borders, and protesting everything our good President stands for. Just what you’d expect in Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s not for lack of will, let’s chuck it up to ignorance about the American Way and the fact that he’s a lawyer. (sarcasm)
Back To The Church Pastries
Which brings me back to the church pastries. In the words of Barbara Bush, “Just Say No.” You seasoned seniors can hold me to this when I get to be your age. I watched a play at Gordon College last Fall, something about Freud’s Last Session. Something to do with oral fixation in the twilight of one’s life. It was an interesting premise but it wasn’t very well written. In any event, just avoid the pastry. In modern Christianese, “Don’t make an idol of the pastry.” I think the point has been made here.
“With Coffee, All Things are Possible” – Honey Dew Doughnuts
As an aside, in case you’re wondering, I think Honey Dew and Dunkin Donuts are challenging each other to a race as to who can be more blasphemous and godless. I have to admit, coffee is one of my vices. I mean, better coffee than crack. America was founded upon caffeine. We couldn’t do tea because that would have been too British. Sometimes I do wonder if the Mormons – bless the satanic cult (sarcasm) – are on to something.
There’s definitely enough caffeine floating around in the church; heck, it’s more common than crosses in buildings that call themselves churches today. I dare say that coffee would be one of my prime suspects for an idol of the church. It’s a drug, but it’s not crack. Nobody loves coffee more than I do, although given God or coffee … I’d have to choose God. It would be very painful, though, like when God told Abraham to behead his son. But then, God would come through at the last minute, and tell me, it’s okay, Peter, you chose me over coffee, so go ahead and drink your coffee. Thank God. Thank you, God. For coffee. But that slogan goes a little too far for my taste. It smells awful. I won’t buy coffee at Honey Dew. In fact, I urge you to boycott it until they get rid of this slogan. It’s on the uniforms and everything. Bad idea, whoever came up with it.
The Mormon Cult Gets Coffee Right – if Nothing Else
No, I’m serious. I can’t resist this notion somewhere in my head that the ultimate Christian zen state (to borrow from pop culture terminology for lack of a better world) is the Amish faith. Because honestly, as a media maker, I know what entertainment people are. And my own parable is a warning against entertainment, but written and produced in the language of entertainers. For their own good; really for all of our own good, for the good of America, and her American church, which spans denominational schisms, and such. It’s the same church that the Puritans started, perhaps, so long ago, and it’s strayed. Perhaps the Baptists are more spot-on theologically. I just know, at this point, that I know I believe in the Bible as God’s Word. And that’s all I know. Because if you’re not careful, the myriad of theological philosophers and theologians will talk you in circles until you don’t know what end is up. Hence the church bending over and grabbing its ankles without knowing it. Am I channeling Mark Twain enough for you?
Some days, I’d like to wake up in some Amish paradise, like that which the great pop culture prophet “Weird Al” Yankovic sung of. I’m serious. Not about Weird Al, but about the integrity of the Amish faith. Minus, perhaps, the pacifism.
Let’s consider that seriously for a moment; let’s go Amish. Let’s commit ourselves to a man-culture of raising barns, and women doing what women, ideally, do. It makes them happy; there’s no television to tell the women that babies are worthless and that homemaking is a cult. Television, of course, is the cult that we Americans all worship. Apart from the Amish, America is a slave to the cult and idol of television, of media. In a broader sense, you and I are engaging in this cult right now by my writing, and your reading posts like this. Granted, reading this is better than reading, say, Huffy The Vampire Post, or whatever that whacky leftist online publication is. But you see the point, right? See us from the perspective of an Amlette, or really, anybody from before television robbed America of our collective imaginations, our whimsical childhoods (you don’t know what you didn’t have – again – let’s be Amish for a moment looking at us from the outside). We’re the weird ones.
What’s to hate about Amish culture? It’s got to please even the whining leftists. How much more “farm to fork” can you get? You’d think their teeth are falling out of their mouths for lack of dentistry. If you’ve seen the Netflix Documentary Root Cause, which contends Dentists have been poisoning us for generations by leaving rotting tissue in our mouths by way of the infamous and ubiquitous Root Canal procedure – it’s not very surprising. Dentistry is a weird field – from the perspective of an Amlette. Nobody even thinks about it. It’s just, “Oh, guess I’m going to need a root canal.” It never occurred to any of us that root canals may actually be as bad for us as they cause us ridiculous pain. Perhaps it’s one instance where we ought actually listen to our God-designed bodies over the experts. Maybe I’m just channeling Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors. Then again, the guy who came up with Little Shop of Horrors died of AIDS. I wonder what his dentists did to him.
I told Alan Menken, who subscribed to this blog’s email list for a while, that the thing gave me nightmares as a child. I had the misfortune of seeing the thing multiple times. And not only live on stage, in various venues, but also, of course, the horrible film adaptation. If it weren’t horrible, it wouldn’t meet the criteria for a good horror movie. So it succeeds on all counts, but is nonetheless traumatizing. And so the homosexual Howard Ashman’s timeless message, “Don’t feed the ‘green’ people,” lives on. Take that, environmental activism and minorities.
Conclusion
All of this is a roundabout way of saying simply this. STAY AWAY FROM THE BLOODY CHURCH PASTRY! Do it for your children so they’re not embarrassed of you when you pick them up at school. Do it for your wife. Do it for your country. Stay away from the church pastry. Boycott it. Maybe they’ll get rid of it once and for all. Splurge on a veggie and lean cheese tray. I know how that sounds, but that’s all by design. Just trust me, do it. Everybody will be better off.
The body is a not only a temple of the Holy Spirit and thus worthy of our care rather than carelessness, but it is also a “talent” we’ve been given to steward well and use for God’s glory. And it’s difficult to use a body God has given you for His glory when that body is undergoing triple bypass surgery.
Have I made the point adequately for you? Don’t feed the church gluttons! Just don’t do it! With love from the Hub of the Universe, America’s Man’s Man.